I thought of some more.
• “I just attempted to read your pretentious record review--and if there’s anything that shouldn’t be pretentious, it’s a record review. I mean, trying to communicate ideas other than what the record sounds like? Seriously, wtf? I know you’ve never gotten a letter like this before--or, back when you had an editing job, never received one of these phone calls--but let me be the one to tell you that no one cares about your opinions. We read about music because we want to know what a song or album sounds like, and that’s it. Especially when you don’t even give us a clear-cut yay-or-nay opinion about it! This one review you wrote, I didn’t even know if you liked it or not. You didn’t say ‘yay’ or ‘nay’! Unacceptable.”
• “I just want to know where you get off telling musicians how to do what they do. I bet you don’t even play an instrument yourself! How dare a person who listens to music talks about what they’re hearing. Only a person that actually makes music herself is allowed to pass any kind of judgment on a musician’s work. The rest of you just need to shut up (except me: although I’m not a writer, I can tell you how you can and can’t write).”
Don’t be shy, now: you know you want to!