Here are some emails I hope to get in 2008.
• “Why do you call something ‘the best’ when all you mean is that it’s your favorite? Obviously there’s a total difference, because if you say ‘best’ you mean it for everyone and not just for yourself, unlike for example VH1, which everybody knows is not made up of opinionated individuals like yourself, it’s an institution! I’d never in a hundred years allow myself to imagine that a person using ‘best’ just means themselves, because when I see an individual byline on a list of artworks it means that’s just an opinion, but when it has the name of a corporation, that means it’s real. So cut it out, because it confuses me, OK?”
• “You know, I really like it when you write about artists I know something about already. When you write about people I’ve never heard of before, it frightens and alienates me, and it makes me think you’re playing some kind of game where you’re trying to act all smart and superior. It’s automatically not-as-good writing as when you write about someone everyone is already familiar with, because there’s so many new things to say about those people, and who cares about those losers that only you’ve heard of, anyway?”
• “I see that you liked something that was very popular and doesn’t have any indie cred. Why do you insist on being ironic? Don’t you know that irony is dead? When you say a Nashville artist makes good country records and some depressed indie-rocker doesn’t, you’re really smirking underneath, aren’t you? Well, you’re not fooling anybody. Real art comes from people who mope, and you know it. I’m going to start a smear campaign in your honor.”
• “I think we need to have a heart-to-heart talk. As long as you’ve been writing for us, all you’ve covered is stuff I’m not at all familiar with. I don’t understand that. I realize my main job is to cover hard news, so forgive me for not being [snicker] up on everything that’s happening right now, but where I come from music coverage is like sports coverage: everyone knows the teams and the athletes that populate them, unless they’re in the minor or college leagues. Hey, maybe that’s what you can do--write about musicians no one has heard of as if they’re on AAA farm teams or first-round draft picks, and not like artists saying or doing things that I might not understand from half-listening to the radio. That’s your shtick, isn’t it? You’re trying to pull one over on us, aren’t you?”
Come on, people--don’t disappoint me!