"Hi, this is Matos."
"Yeah, who is this?"
"Uh, what are you looking for?"
"Are you in charge of the Eight Nights calendar?"
"Well, I'm the music editor . . ."
"Oh, well, I'm trying to find out who's DJ'ing at the Bad Juju Lounge on Tuesday night. Do you know?"
"Uh, no. Why, is it not in the calendar?"
"Oh, I'm in Tacoma. I can't get the paper here. That's why I called."
"Well, the listings are our website as well. I have to go, I'm very busy . . ."
"Oh, I can't get online, either. Look, can you just tell me who's playing there?"
"No. I can't. I'm really busy."
"You can't just tell me?"
"No, I can't. You don't call a newspaper to have it read over the phone to you."
"What?! Why, I've never been treated so rudely in my life! What is your name?"
Scharpling & Wurster, eat your hearts out.